We used to do things like this | with Tasha and Safi
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Remember when neighborhoods were connected? Looking for ideas to connect when it's safe to again? Listen to Tasha and Safi's story of how their neighborhood completely changed over the course of 3 hours.
Tasha and Safi are both doctors, and like so many families juggling careers and children, time is a precious commodity. When they started to build community on their block by planning a neighborhood carnival, they were at first skeptical: “the “why” killed me…” Safi said. But they soon discovered many neighbors also wanted to live in a connected neighborhood, and a few older residents shared memories of how this is the way things used to be. Their story shows how projects help us come back to the connected neighborhoods of the past but in a new, more inclusive way…
We’re all feeling the nostalgia for the way things used to be, before there was a pandemic to worry about. Maybe Tasha and Safi’s story will help you the listener imagine what you might do to connect in your neighborhood once we aren’t living in a climate of social distancing, and spark for you some plans to connect more with your neighbors when it’s safe to again.
And if you’re interested in joining families to build community in your own life, head over to our family page and sign up to learn more!
www.starfirecincy.org/families
FULL TRANSCRIPT:
TASHA: We did a project that involved our entire neighborhood in a carnival event. So our daughter Soraya, who is seven, has some issues when it comes to large crowds. She gets kind of over stimulated. One of the things that our kids love to do is go to the school carnival except for Soraya she has a hard time going to the school carnival. It’s one of the things that she misses out on because of the large crowds. This gave us the idea of doing something in our neighborhood that’s something that she would enjoy as well. And so what the idea was was trying to pick a date that we could always remember to kind of be able to do as an annual event. We decided to use the last day of school for our event. We tried to get each one of our neighbors involved by having kind of like a station or an event or a game on their front yard of their house. And so this was an outdoor event that involved inflatables, we had a beer truck, we had appetizers, we had food. And so pretty much every house in our neighborhood had a responsibility to have something in the front of the yard and those that couldn’t participate in that way we found other ways for them to participate. Whether it was a bag of ice, water bottles, and that was kind of the event.
KATIE: Yeah so I love how you created a set of rules for this event that kind of you would have stations, you would have different activities going on at different people’s houses.
TASHA: And everybody could go wherever and can disperse. The one thing that we did do is have a game that required you to go to every station so that way we knew that people would have some motivation to leave one spot. So that kind of helped as far as mixing people up.
KATIE: So just describe the space to me, just describe the layout of what this all looked like.
TASHA: Sure. We have.. We live in a cul de sac. The reason we wanted to have everyone, every house in the entire cul de sac involved but there was some limitations and some challenges that we ran into. Those being people that had to come in and out of work. And then we had one family that was actually moving and moving out of the country and they were moving that same week. So we had to kind of make some changes from the original plan of trying to involve everybody so really instead it was a span of eight houses that had an event and then there were still some empty houses but that was purposeful so that way people could kind of come and go without feeling stressed out like “Oh my gosh, they’re having a neighborhood carnival and we can’t get through.”
KATIE: So not everybody participated on the street and not everybody came?
TASHA: Correct, however really the only people who didn’t come were the people that were moving. We had over a hundred people.
KATIE: Wow. That is a big.. That sounds like Halloween in May.
TASHA: Yes.
KATIE: Bigger than Halloween.
TASHA: It actually was bigger than Halloween. Halloween is also big in our neighborhood and it was way bigger than we expected.
KATIE: Yeah. It reminds me a little bit of this idea that Priya Parker has. I’m not sure if you’re familiar with her book The Art of Gathering?
TASHA: No.
KATIE: This being gathering as a way to connect people so not just gathering as a way to eat dinner and then leave and nobody really has meaningful conversations, but that it’s a space where as a host/hostess you’re extremely intentional about how people interact. One thing that she says is every gathering is an opportunity to create a temporary alternative world for those who enter it. So one of the ways to do that is by creating these rules and it sounds like having each house sort of host a different thing. These are all kinds of rules that are different from the norm of society that we live in, right? So you guys, did you feel like you kind of did that? Created this alternative space for three hours in your neighborhood?
TASHA: I’m not.. I mean I’m not just saying this because I’m talking to you.
I cannot explain to you in words what it felt like. I totally felt that way, I feel like I even look at my neighborhood differently now after the fact, but while I was in it totally felt like a different dimension and just watching people interact that I’ve never seen interact; meeting neighbors that I never knew I had. It definitely felt like a safe place where for whatever reason if I saw that same neighbor walking their dog I wouldn’t sit and chat with them but in this space it felt different. You could go up to anybody and everybody, and everybody was talking with one another. So I definitely, like when you said that it gave me chills because I can definitely relate to that feeling. That’s what it felt like.
KATIE: Yeah, you know, one of the questions we get a lot is how to invite people in and create that space where people feel energized and motivated to kind of connect and be more than just like neighbors who pass each other in the, on the street and just wave when they’re walking their dog. It sounds like you got everybody engaged and interested in some ways, can you describe like what that looked like to create that space and energize people in this way?
TASHA: As far as what I think got people to feel safe, is that what you mean?
KATIE: Yeah so I mean the other part of, yeah, the other part of this is when Priya Parker talks about a lot a lot, a large majority of the gathering happens before the gathering even happens, right? So it’s actually about preparing people for the gathering. So I guess that’s the question, is how did you prepare people for this gathering. Yeah.
TASHA: So I think that we started having monthly meetings in January. And I think the first meeting is kind of that long shot like, “Can we really make this happen?” The fact that there were people who showed up to the meeting was really exciting. Each time there was almost a scramble of people, some that were consistent, some that were not, and each time the group of people just got more comfortable with one another. And it was actually a lot of fun watching the relationships change per meeting, even though we were planning for a separate event it was by the last meeting that I told Safi, “You know it’s almost like even if there’s massive downpour and this event doesn’t happen or can’t happen like I already feel like things are building and things are changing and that in itself felt differently in the relationships.”
Like I had to get people’s cell phone numbers that I didn’t have just to communicate about when to meet, whose meeting what. And then we just became invested together to make things happen and then I thought I would be the only one just worried about the weather like, “OH my gosh this is going to be..” like our project and you know and I’m kind of the one who started this idea so you know I feel so much pressure but everybody felt that. Like, “Oh we’ve got to make sure the rain stays away what’s our plan, I just felt like everyone felt equally invested because they all put something into it. And that in itself felt differently than I would have imagined from the first meeting and I think that that build up is really what created the space not only for, I don’t want to say core, but kind of the core group. And each one of those cores knew like other families that I didn’t know. So they were sharing information with people that I never talked to, but because they had shared that and other people knew about it, it made them invested. And other people were like, “Oh we were praying for you because we know we got your email and you’ve been working so hard on it.” And it’s like I don’t even know who these people are but that’s awesome.
KATIE: Yeah so it makes me wonder, can you describe what your neighborhood was like, what were your connections like in your neighborhood before this process started?
TASHA: So we’ve been in this neighborhood for four years this summer. I think that there is. I don’t want to say, a divide maybe it kind of feels that way for those that have children and those that don’t and have older children. So I feel like the part of the neighborhood that I’m connected to is the people that have young children because we see each other at the bus stops, we see each other after school, we can relate at school events, we see each other we say hi to each other, you know, at school events or if our kids are riding bikes outside. I think with the other families that have older children and that are retired we don’t really get a chance to interact with them and maybe the only time that I would is when we’re trick-or-treating and the only time we have is when we go around and happen to see people. But then it’s like you trick-or-treat and you might say hi, it doesn’t really allow for a conversation that is meaningful that can kind of carry over so I really wouldn’t know anybody if they didn’t have a school age child.
KATIE: So when you went to people in your neighborhood who you might not have typically talked to in the past, how did you come to them? What was your purpose, I guess? What did you tell them your purpose was?
TASHA: Well.. And our purpose kind of shifted. So the one thing that kind of took a life of its own in thinking about different ideas for different stations it came up that one of our neighbors who is in the classification of children that are older, children who have moved out of the house was recently diagnosed with ALS. And so one of the neighbors that was involved and kind of heavily through the first family meeting, she’s close with that family I didn’t even know this family's name and she said, “You know so and so was just diagnosed with ALS, can we do something for ALS at this carnival? Maybe we’ll raffle off prizes and all the money can go to the local ALS chapter.” And I’m like, “Yes, that sounds great, let’s go with it.” And what had happened was it became about how to get my own kids involved in the carnival, my daughter who loves raffle prizes really wanted to be the one to collect either donated items or sell the raffles. So her and her best friend went around and Safi went along with them. And I really think that was a pivotal point in this carnival because it made them stop at every house, have a conversation about a neighbor that we all.. I mean I care about him but I’ve never met him up until the carnival which is kind of crazy. But the fact that we were all coming around for him, even though I had never met him, and explaining that to our kids and going house to house, some of these neighbors really know this person really well. And that meant that they were really warm to us and each house was not like, “Here’s five dollars.” Each house was like, “Come in and let’s talk, we want to get to know you guys.” And Safi actually went along for that, and wanted to know more about that. But I think that really connected the younger families from the older families.
KATIE: That’s amazing and I think going into it maybe looking at it like we’re going to do something fun we’re going to do a carnival and then unearthing this way to support your neighbors beyond something just that would be great and fun is a really critical piece of community, right? Because community isn’t all fun and games all the time. There is a lot of life in the community, so you were kind of confronted with a real life issue and you guys were able to incorporate that, that’s so beautiful. Yeah, Safi what was that like going door to door? Did you.. When you were invited into people’s houses did you stay long, were you kind of polite like, “I got to go” or how did those interactions go?
SAFI: Well, in like what is typical in our life there is an actual time limit that needed to be adhered to because we had one of the girls, her best friend had flute practice that she had to get to but we were like polite but it was actually fairly amazing because as we were going from door to door like a lot of these people I see them, I wave to them but it’s not like I actually have an established relationships with them. It was wonderful to have them come in. Like one of the neighbors was fostering some kittens and our daughter absolutely loves kittens. And she took me to the back with the kids. And oh my gosh they had this amazing backyard, she’s telling me about her grandkids, and like you and your wife thank you guys for doing this, this is really great, please come back at some point we’d love to have a glass of wine with you guys on our back porch. I mean they have an incredible back porch but it was like one of those things were you don’t know them but it was pretty awesome to see them not just taking care of the raffle ticket money it was more of “hey I’m going to be okay with investing in you a little bit” and I think that’s pretty cool.
KATIE: Yeah, I mean it sounds like people were sort of waiting for that almost. Not waiting but the were just so ready for somebody to knock on their door and be…
SAFI: So I think a lot of the older couples, like the ones who have kids, they used to do all kinds of stuff like this in this neighborhood. Like they used to have these events, every October they have Oktoberfest and they’d have all kinds of stuff but as the kids grew up they kind of stopped doing it.
I think that in some ways this is rekindling some really good camaraderie that they had previously. It’s not like the neighbors didn’t like each other but it was more like they didn’t want to invest anymore because the kids are grown.
Like you end up doing a lot of investment when you’re kids are small because you know that’s their friends, that’s their good buddies, that’s their classmates or whatever. But like I think it’s great that it actually involved both the older and the younger couples in order to kind of come together for, not just for our neighbor who has ASL but I think people in general were waiting for an opportunity to come together not just a micro community. TASHA: That was a reoccurring thing that came up when I’d walk around and meet people that I hadn’t met, they’d say, “we used to do things like this, thanks for making this happen again. We used to do things like this and we want to do it again, thank you so much.” So that was actually a reoccurring statement that happened from a lot of people who I had just met that were retired and had older children.
KATIE: Yeah, it just makes me think that there’s some gap that happened, you know, in between this generation of maybe there was activities that you could do in the community there was some gap that happened, in the 90’s were everybody just kind of went inside and started turning more inward toward your family and all of the things you said. You know one of the little girl that you went with had a practice she had to go to. Our schedules are really full and so making the time for this is possible but it’s a little bit maybe even more challenging than it was back when these neighbors, you said, were doing it. So I think in that way it’s great you're rekindling something and you’re also reinventing what that is and how it can happen. Were there any surprises that happened throughout this? Did anything come up that either was a kind of a roadblock or something that just really took you by surprise?
TASHA: I would say how much the ALS fundraiser took a life of its own. It really became almost a focus, a big part of it, which was almost, I mean it was awesome it was something that we didn’t foresee. I would say that, I would say the weather. We had a rain date that we set but then actually putting that into place and kind of cancelling things to redo them on another day was a surprise on how hard that was going to be. Then when we thought the weather had been clear enough and out of nowhere, we couldn’t plan for this, it was just complete downpour. And the forecast had said clearly for a couple hours and I was like, “ok we didn’t plan for this.” And all the food got destroyed because it wasn’t under a tent but what was really cool about that it was at least ten to twelve minutes of awful awful downpour and then everybody stayed. And that was really amazing, there was no food, it was all destroyed and people still stayed.
SAFI: And like and during that, during the downpour it actually forces you to hang out with people who maybe you don’t normally do because there really wasn’t a choice. It was either that or absolutely get soaked to the bone. I mean it was like absolutely torrential rain.
TASHA: Because we only had a couple tents for certain kinds of events. So I think each time Safi and I were surprised that people were actually invested.
I mean I kept saying that the entire time like, “I cannot believe people are actually helping out and wanting to help out.”
KATIE: I love this idea that the neighborhood stuck around a torrential downpour. You never know when those are going to end, you know, you don’t know okay this is going to last fifteen minutes and so people hang around. What was it that… I want to kind of unearth what was inside of you that was being surprised, what was your expectation I guess or what were the experiences that you had had leading up to that that had caused you to be so surprised that people would be invested in the way that they were.
TASHA: One being we never had anything like this in our neighborhood. And I guess we’ve tried to do some social events with the couples that we are friends with that we try to do a progressive but even when we tried to do that a second year, like nobody really wanted to step up, nobody wanted to do it. And that was like something that was pretty easy. It was like every house had an appetizer that’s literally it.
KATIE: And you go from house to house?
TASHA: Yeah.
KATIE: And everybody kind of hosts their own food and so a second year of that was not happening?
TASHA: It didn’t even happen.
KATIE: Just knowing, yeah…
TASHA: There was another family that has a Christmas party every year and it’s kind of like super fun, we all go, but then last year none of the other neighbors went except Safi and I. And we couldn’t figure out why. I mean it’s just a party but so between those few experiences that we’ve had we were kind of like this is going to fizzle out. Like they might say they’re excited from the first meeting but then I just don’t see people like maintaining this like motivation to continue and that’s what was shocking.
What also gives me hope though was how excited people were during the event, after the event was over there were still people hanging out and even now there are still emails going back and forth with people who I don’t typically talk to, talking about the event. And how they want to do it next year and what we’ll do differently and let’s brainstorm for how we’re going to do this next year.
Oh the other surprising things, sorry I’m jumping back, this was really challenging for us everybody really wanted to know where the money came from. And I don’t know if Tim told you that for this event we were actually trying not to mention Starfire. We didn’t want any of the focus; we didn’t want any publicity around Starfire at this point. And that was actually challenging and I think that some of that has to do with there was some people that were spectacle like, “where did you get this community grant that would give, you know, kind of like an affluent area or neighborhood money to do something like that?” And so everybody wanted to know what the catch was, like what is the catch in this? That was also challenging, like literally up until the day of.. On set up day.
SAFI: On set up day.
TASHA: On set up day we had one neighbor ask us three times like, “I’d really like to make signs at the tables it’d be wonderful to put a thank you to who gave the money. Now it’s the day I think you can tell us.” So long story short we ended up telling people after the event because they were still asking. They were like, “the events over” and I was like, “Fine. Starfire!” I’ll have to talk to the person on Monday about what to do now that I told everybody but I don’t even know how to like deal with this. But it was something that I could not believe, people’s curiosity would not let go of that, would not.
KATIE: So is Starfire to you, like a very stigmatizing kind of way of presenting it, is that why you avoided it because it’s related to disability?
SAFI: Tim actually told us to do that. It wasn’t a matter of stigma it was more a matter of his experience was the second you say Starfire it becomes a disability project. Which is kind of the antithesis of what the concept is. So I actually completely agreed with him, the longer we cannot tell people the better because the focus should not be Soraya, I did not want to throw a carnival for Soraya, that wasn’t the point.
The point was we wanted to incorporate our micro-community here with our life and that would one day include Soraya but not because they need to but because they actually are incorporated in our life anyway. That to me was the more primary focus and I think that if we would have made this Starfire any earlier than it was done, the research and the google searches would have led them directly to the disability arm of Starfire and then all of a sudden the entire feeling and flavor of the carnival may have changed. And that would have made me sad because I think what we created was something much bigger than a carnival for Soraya.
I think that what we created was a real chance for this community which our local, our double courts and the street that brings us in to really get together and in this case for our neighbor who has ALS and I think that’s awesome. That's kind of the point, you know?
KATIE: Yeah, it’s beautiful. It’s beautiful and so well said. So one of the things that’s bringing up to me, when you’re saying that everyone kind of stuck around and was invested what I’m thinking about is how key to community gifts are. People’s gifts. Maybe the comparison between the progressive dinner and the carnival is that everybody was able to offer their gift in some way by being a host of a carnival activity. So was that piece do you think central, where any of your neighbors brought to life in a way that hadn’t been shown before that you didn’t know about them before?
TASHA: All of them. Actually that was it. You already nailed it. Like to have one neighbor who nobody had spoken to except Safi that owns a pizzeria or multiple pizzerias and he single handedly donated all the pizzas for the entire carnival and met so many people.
SAFI: And the other thing is, I think that story is actually worth while diving into is that he’s kind of enigma for the neighborhood. He works a ton so we don’t see him very often. The house always kind of sort of seems to be empty but it’s not. It’s so like people have all kinds of mystery theories about him but the bottom line is he’s kind of a real stay mobile and he owns a bunch of pizzerias and so like he is constantly busy. Here is a guy that nobody knew that by the middle of the night he was the place to go hang out. He offered, like we had to move the bounce house out of where we had it, he offered it no problem the front of his yard. I would have never picked his house to be the one to put the bounce house in and have all the kids essentially live like there’s so many great pictures of all the neighborhood boys sitting on his front porch. If you would have told me six months ago that that picture would’ve been taken I would have laughed, literally, like no way.
TASHA: Like people didn’t even know his name. Nobody had ever really met him.
SAFI: Even their next door neighbors whose really good friends with us, because I’ve lived here for three years and I didn’t really know him, they used to talk for like an hour and a half and the guy they were talking about, our neighbor the one that owns a pizzeria he came up to me at the end of it and he said listen, “I just wanted to thank you” he goes, “I have lived here for three years, I have always wanted to live in a neighborhood like this.” He’s like, “I got to speak with about everybody here and I actually got to know people and I really appreciate that, like that’s is fantastic.” And that to me kind of summed up the night because there’s the guy that literally is like a mystery, he’s like a ghost in the neighborhood and now not only does everyone know him but like he knows them. And I feel like that could be the beginning of him feeling like he could more incorporate himself and his family in this community.
KATIE: I don’t want to put words in your mouth but it just sounds like this has changed something, like it’s a life change for you guys, it is a lifestyle change.
TASHA: Now we want to know what happens next, you know, like where can we go from there. And that’s like something that we’ve talked about, what’s the best approach? But we don’t want it to stop now and so like thinking about how to make that happen that’s something we’ve been thinking about. Because I’m telling you it’s life altering and we will tell you this as a secret even though this is being recorded. Safi and I were so skeptical of this, we did not think it would work, I must be just a real pessimist.
SAFI: No, no, I mean I…
TASHA: We really did not see this happening like this. We were shocked. Every time I looked at the e-vite I’d be like, “What?! People are coming to this and it’s a Thursday night.” I can’t even imagine.
SAFI: I am extremely pragmatic surgeon by nature. So I look at things logistically and so I was very out set like this is never going to work, people are never going to do this, this doesn’t make any sense to me. Because how could… Why? The why killed me. Why would people invest in themselves when we’re all busy with our own lives, that’s what happens.
But it is remarkable to see the difference in when people actually feel like they want and they want to do this they’re willing to go a mile. We made a sign up genius in order, well we didn’t our neighbor did it, they made a sign up genius for essentially shifts to watch the bounce house or whatever. There were so many slots I was like, “this is never going to get filled.” Yeah, it got filled in like two weeks, every slot.
KATIE: Oh wow.
SAFI: These are people they live in our neighborhood, they’re willing to spend a half hour watching other people’s kids. It’s just unbelievable. Just because they… it just needed to get done. This is what I want, this is the neighborhood I want to live in now for good. It’s like a different feeling for me when I drive home it’s a different feeling when I drive into the neighborhood like this morning. I pulled the window down and chatted with one of our neighbors around seven o’clock when he was walking his dogs. I would not have done that.
TASHA: He’s never done that before.
SAFI: I would not have done that a week ago and I am a super friendly guy I think in general but it’s different though because there’s no context to put your window down and say, “Hey how’s it going?” It was actually pretty awesome.
KATIE: Yeah, so yeah the contexts has totally changed where you guys live. You changed the context in a three hour time span carnival that was planned over time and now you guys have whatever comes from this I just want to say because you keep saying you want to know what’s next and I think what I’ve experienced and seen is that at least it evolves and it is just different now. Like what is next is that you guys have this neighborhood to live in and whether or not the carnival happens actually is kind of incidental but it’s you making that effort to wind down your window and say hi to a neighbor walking by with a dog that that’s going to be whatever the next phase is going to come from those types of interactions. What is you hope for people who want to build community but don’t know how?
TASHA: I mean even though it seems very unstructured I think just trust it because a lot of it I like don’t even know how to go about getting a meeting started. When you’re talking to people act like everyone’s coming, make it a real convenient time, try to kind of identify who your champion person is going to be, make sure they can make it. Talk to everybody else like everyone’s going to make it. Ok I did that, it worked.
So as much as you might have doubt and hesitation if you really follow what your intent is going to be for the project and you're passionate about that know that if you just take those little steps with each phase of the process know that this will happen. And kind of have faith in that.
SAFI: Yeah, I think that as the process moves forward there are certain steps that are deliberate in terms of ok got to set up that first meeting, and you got to come up with this idea. And to me I was overwhelmed initially like how do you come up with the idea or a meeting. But the reality is trusting that particular process like Tash said I think is really important because you know it’s unconventional. It’s not what you normally think, at least for me it wasn’t, it’s not what I normally thought in terms of trying to bring people together but this concept, Starfire is on to something. This concept of incorporating life around say our child with disability the concept should not be really just the focus of disability but the concentration should be incorporating that person in that life around them that they already live anyways. I am a firm believer now.
TASHA: I also think that if somebody said, “Here Tasha, here’s some money go plan a carnival.” And if I didn’t have the guidance of Starfire it would have looked totally different. Because in my mind I would have created something totally different, I would’ve said this is what I want and this is how it is going to be. One of the biggest things that Tim had kind of told me along the way is be flexible in how this is going to look because how you imagine it may not be how your neighbors imagine it. And let them take the lead on ideas that they have. That’s something that I probably would not have allowed and I would have been like, “No, no, no, no, no that’s not what I’m thinking, no we’re not doing any ALS fundraiser I want a carnival ok? I want a band, I want clowns.”
So, point being that it took the pressure off of me when I let people take on their own vision and it was actually really nice to have that kind of leadership where it was like somebody would mention something and I’d be like, “Great, go out and look into it and we’ll do it. That sounds awesome.” So that was a big take away as far as trying to plan an event like this and in the beginning of it it’s important to remember that it might take a life of its own and that’s ok.
SAFI: Yep, and people tend to invest themselves I think in general in things that they have a say in and things that they have a vision in. Where in otherwise it’s not necessarily them. So in that case I felt like when I was walking around the carnival really I was seeing a bunch of different visions from all of our neighbors kind of put together in an organized fashion. And I think that that is very different than if Tash and I had our way with doing it because if we had we’re very like pragmatic, like this is how it’s going to be type people in terms of like trying to organize things.
But I think this way everybody can look around and see themselves in the carnival. And I think that that is exactly the point to be able to say not only do I want to be a part of this but I want to be a part of this because I helped build this.That’s awesome because that’s not what I had initially envisioned because I didn’t think people were capable honestly of doing it in terms of like doing it consistently for six months of planning and all this. But they did.
TASHA: It was just beautiful how people chipped in.
KATIE: Well and it’s some really solid advice and I think it’s also getting to something that maybe is at the core of why as Americans we are so lonely. And one of those reasons is that we’ve taken on this idea that we have to do it all ourselves and that we are independent and if we ask for help or if we wont let things be less than perfect in what we imagine it to be that we’re failing at something and so being able to offer that inclusivity of everybody’s gifts, everybody’s opinions, everybody’s ideas is counter cultural right now but it’s what we need and I think it’s what's proofing to you all that is what your neighbors needed as well. And it’s just such a beautiful story so I thank you guys for sharing it.